17. MANic - MARRIAGE + LOVE

CHAPTER 8

MARRIAGE + LOVE

Marriage and love is filled with expectations of what is expected from one another and from everybody else.  

What type of husband or wife will you be? Questions we ask ourselves and if you think about it, it seems funny because why would we need to be different than who we already are to one another before we walk down the aisle?  

Isn’t that why we wanted to be together in the first place?  

If marriage asks us to change who we are, is it absent of true love?  

Marriage and love is not synonymous with unconditional because it’s filled with rules and limits and is not always free and open and everlasting and forgiving like they tell us it is.  

Marriage and love is united because it stands together and lives for forever because that’s what it’s learned that it’s supposed to do after it already wanted that without being told.  

It is deceitful because it tells you that you are guaranteed something and life has no guarantees and we all know that but paper helps us feel like we do.  

Proud and sometimes boastful, it can be haughty and annoying and higher than thou to be around.  

At its best it sticks to the vows, unwavering through thick and thin or in sickness and in health.  

In its supreme state it takes care of each other no matter how old you get or ugly or fat because it believes in something and that something is together.  

At its worst it erupts and cheats and lies and cares only for money or things.  

In its entirety it is complicated and messy and deeply moving and sad and comforting and it lives with you forever even if it decides to separate.  

It isn’t good or bad most of the time because it is most apparent in the unexciting times in life because without it there would be no warm heart in the other room and you would be alone and being alone scares the shit out of most people.  

Are you married or have you been married?  

And are you happy that you are or do you have days when you want to break free or have you broken free?  

So much of our lives is taken up by the quest, not just for love, but for marriage because we are told that is normal but I can’t think of anything more abnormal than spending your entire life with one person.  

At the same time, I can’t think of anything more beautiful.  

THE WASBAND

The fact that you would become my husband was unknown the night we met as of course it always is when two people meet. 

Especially at a lame party. 

Especially so young. 

The odds we would work out were slim in my mind because you were a five hour drive away from me.  I made that drive toward you with my friend for New Year’s Eve but I didn’t go for you because I had yet to know you. 

I heard of you though. 

We came for a party and your roommate was my roommate's ex boyfriend but they were still friends and he still loved her so he begged us to come.  He said there would be a lot of people there and we wanted to take a trip and so we drove through the snow. 

I think there was a bit of a blizzard on our way but we were young and carefree and I knew how to drive through snow even in my car that didn’t have four wheel drive.

You lived in a big city and I lived in one that was medium sized but they were both cold on New Year’s Eve although yours was more fun or at least that’s what my friend and I thought.

We settled in and learned that it wasn’t much of a party, only a few people but we were happy to be there.  Your roommate, my roommate's ex boyfriend, made appetizers that tasted good and put some good music on. 

I sat on a chair wearing a black cashmere sweater with a V neck and a skirt that had gold diagonal stripes and I always wore opaque tights but these were a little transparent. 

We had some drinks and a few more people arrived so the party still wasn’t a party but it wasn’t as small and I got more comfortable because of that.  

I was self conscious back then about how I looked especially when it came to my body but after a few cocktails I felt like myself and myself is fun and silly so that’s what I became. 

There was rap music playing and it was 2001 so the album had that name and it was what everyone our age was listening to at the time.  I knew every word and sat there singing and I noticed you were looking at me and I couldn’t tell what you thought but I thought you were handsome.  

We all decided to go out in the big city and we did and it was great because it was not midnight yet and when it was, you kissed me and that was the first time I had been kissed at midnight on New Year’s Eve.  I stayed in your bed that night and it was nice.  

In the morning we drove away after removing a lot of snow from my car and I wondered if you would call me and you did.

From that point on we communicated non-stop and it didn’t stop for fifteen years and even then it hasn’t totally stopped. 

You sent me emails at work all day and I wrote you back and you sent me a huge bouquet of flowers to my work for Valentine’s Day.  No one had ever done that for me before but I was young so I guess that’s not strange. 

We carried on long distance I think for about a year.  I remember that I cried and you teared up every time we would leave one another.

Over time we found a way to move in together in your big city and you came to my house and loaded up the truck with me and we drove to our new apartment together.  My family didn’t have a problem with us living together but yours was uncomfortable with it because they were more traditional. 

Your mom and dad liked me even though I was different and creative and not much of a traditionalist.  We spent a few years together living in a pretty, vintage apartment in a popular neighborhood. 

It wasn’t that easy figuring out how to live together and we had our problems but we always worked them out and got better afterward. 

All I wanted was you and all you wanted was me and we supported one another and we were committed. 

I felt normal being committed and loved like you loved me because my family was broken and dysfunctional and I always wanted to be with someone like you.

A few years later you bought a condo and even though you bought it and it was your money, you called it ours and because of that, it felt like my home too.  At that time, I felt like I never really had a home because I left mine at the age of seventeen and when I came back to it, it didn’t feel very homey. 

My dream of making a home with you came alive as I decorated and made our home cozy but we did it together so it looked like me and you. 

Me and you looked neat and clean with a neutral foundation and pops of color.  

Shortly after we got settled, we were robbed. 

We never came home from work together or at the same time but one particular day we did. 

And when we got home, we found the door had been ripped off by a crowbar and everything had been taken out of the drawers and ransacked. 

There wasn’t much to steal because we were young so they took a gold chain of yours that you bought when you were in a phase that would prompt a guy to wear a gold chain.  We thought it was funny that they wanted it but not funny at all that it happened.  

The day our place was broken into, I didn’t know it but you had a ring in your pocket and it was for me and it was for life. 

You took it out on Valentine’s Day when I was home washing dishes in sweat shorts and a white tank top with no bra on.  Like the movies, you got down on one knee and you asked if I would be yours and I found it to be the perfect proposal for me because we were at home and I didn’t expect it because I was just doing the dishes.  You gave me a card with the ring and it said the perfect thing as your cards always did and I cried happy tears and we hugged before calling our family and friends to tell them. 

The ring you chose was perfect and you did it without me knowing.  It was exactly my style and what I would have chosen and when I looked at it, I knew you knew me and I knew you paid attention.  

Our wedding was fun and beautiful and stylish and intimate. 

There was nothing I would have changed.  When we said our vows it was in a Japanese Garden and it was 100 degrees and our guests were sweating but the scene was so sweet and there were violins playing poppy love songs by The Beatles and I was happy and you were happy.

We moved a few years later into a beautiful home but that’s not the heart of our story. 

Being with you felt safe and secure and we loved each other more than anything but I started to feel suffocated.